"No, not laser tag...no one gets hurt."

John doesn't want to play laser-tag. He wants to play paintball. Hello, there's totally a paintball place in MB.

Now you may be asking yourself, "But how does God fit in here?" Funny you should ask. If you go to church and can prove it, I think you get a discount on Sundays. Not really that good of a deal. I bet those nerds from Campus Crusade for Christ played here.

So, as I was saying before you interrupted, if anyone is inclined, paintball is hella available. Paintball USA (not to be confused with Paintball Afghanistan®) has several differently-themed courses to play on and a truly top-notch beverage vending machine.

There's "Village":

"Woods":

And my favorite, "Spool" (which looks suspiciously like "Village"):

Paintball Holdharmless & Waiver

Some things we won't be doing.

We will not be going here.
Nor here.
We will extra not be going here.

Motorin'

People who are doin' the drive:
You may be wonderin' how we're going to get to MB, huh? You're probably all worried and thinkin', "Ugh, I hope it's not all cramped. I hope I don't have to sit too close to anyone or touch or talk to anyone." Well, don't frackin' worry about it! Check out this sweet ride:


I know it doesn't look like much, but it seats seven and can fit approximately four suitcases!
Magic!

We are goin' to make some sweet memories in this thing.

Dixie Stampede Job Opening - Skeeter

MC/Comedian - Myrtle Beach, SC

Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede is seeking qualified candidates to fill the leading roles of Master of Ceremonies and Comedian for its production Myrtle Beach, SC.

Performing nightly to thousands, the MC is a combination ringmaster and musical theater star requiring a strong vocal and physical stage presence, pleasant singing voice, dynamic personality and outstanding showmanship.

The Comedian performs the role of "Skeeter" a country stable-hand who constantly interrupts the show with his zany schemes and hilarious comedy.

Competitive pay and benefits.

Submit resume w/ headshot to:
Kenm@dixiestampede.com
For more information call Ken McCabe at 407-238-2777

Official, revised and otherwise amended dates. Fuck. Sorry.

SRSLY OFFICIAL: May 30th-June 6th. Give or take.

Last time, I pwomise: June 4th - June 11th

Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede!

"Amidst the fog, the sound of beating hooves begins to grow…
the crowd watches in amazement and the excitement spreads throughout the grand arena…suddenly, as if by magic, a herd of wild buffalo appears."

Dixie Stampede began as a dream for world-renowned singer and entertainer Dolly Parton. The first location opened in Pigeon Forge, just outside the entrance to Dolly's own theme park, Dollywood. It’s more than a dinner and show; it’s Dolly Parton's own creation. "I wanted to recreate the family fun of my childhood, when we'd gather for a friendly competition and enjoy a more-than-filling meal," says Dolly Parton. "With the grand entertainment of our horses and performers, along with a delicious meal, Dixie Stampede is the most fun place to eat anywhere."

Speaking of eating, you can get the "traditional" meat meal, or the "vegetarian option," which appears to just be the traditional meal without the meat. Both include unlimited Pepsi in a mason jar! Killer!















Check out the spectacular promotional videos here.

I predict that this will be a thoroughly white and delightful experience.

Ripley's® amusement museum-type attractions.

The Ripley's® Entertainment Corporation, Inc. has been busy since the last time I went to MB. According to the corporate website:

"Ripley’s Believe It or Not! is the largest, fastest growing, and most successful chain of amusement museum-type attractions in the world! Ripley Entertainment spends millions of dollars on advertising and promotion of Ripley’s Believe It or Not! museums and attractions, initiating an extensive worldwide franchising plan that has been instrumental in expanding the company."

Holy shit©! The only thing I remember is the Ripley's® Believe It or Not!® Museum®:


It's got all kinds of srsly crazy shit like the World's Largest Ball of String™, the mermaid baby™, and this super rad Nikki Sixx bat™:



Now there are all these other Ripley's® amusement museum-type attractions that we can go to!

Ripley's® Aquarium

"Ripley's® Aquarium is a $40 million, state-of-the-art, 87,000 square-foot aquarium experience, located at Broadway at the Beach in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It is South Carolina's most visited attraction, where guests are entertained by some of the world's most beautiful, fascinating and dangerous aquatic life."



Ripley's® 4-D Moving Theater™

"The Ripley's® 4-D Moving Theater™ system combines a high impact 70 mm film experience with computer controlled hydraulic seats that move in conjunction with the action being viewed on the screen. A dynamic surround sound system and extra large screen bring the 'ride' to life as movie goers are thrust into the 4-dimensional picture and feel every bump, dip and turn."





Ripley's Haunted Adventure®

"Ripley's Haunted Adventure® is an unbelievably scary tour of the old Grimsby & Streaper Casket Company, a company that had been run by two men since 1891 until they mysteriously disappeared. The disappearances and odd happenings in town were blamed on the fact that the company was built over a cave called The Sink, where many entered but never left! Ripley Entertainment Inc. recently acquired the property and has been giving tours of the building to those that are brave enough to dare enter!"


Ripley’s® Super Fun Zone®

"Ripley’s® Super Fun Zone® is a new addition to Ocean Boulevard in Myrtle Beach. This state of the art arcade features the latest technology in the arcade industry. Interactive, hi-tech games are sure to provide hours of high energy excitement to your visit. After playing, you can redeem your winnings for fabulous prizes!"




[Ripley’s® is a registered trademark of Ripley Entertainment Inc. ©2007 All Rights Reserved]
[DonutJessica® is a registered trademark of DJP Amusements Inc, ©2007 All Rights Reserved]

NASCAR for the rest of us.

NASCAR SpeedPark Myrtle Beach features:

• 7 Exciting tracks
• 2 NASCAR Themed Miniature Golf Courses
• NASCAR Silicon Motor Speedway
• Kiddie Rides
• Speed Bumper Boats
• State of the art SpeedDome Arcade
• NASCAR Merchandise and Apparel
• Snack Bar

What more do you fucking want?
Coffee?

Oh, the miniature golf we'll play.

There are like 90 miniature golf courses in MB. Most are pirate- and/or dinosaur-themed. Some provoke horrific 9-11/Cory Lidle flashbacks:


R.I.P., friend.

These are some other ones:

Adventure Falls Golf, Buccaneer Bay Miniature Golf, Captain Hook Golf, Dragon's Lair Fantasy Golf, Hawaiian Rumble, Jungle Lagoon, Jungle Safari, Jurassic Golf, Lost Treasure Golf, Ocean Adventure Miniature Golf, Pirate's Watch, Hawaiian Caverns, Safari Golf, Spyglass Adventure Golf and Treasure Island Golf.

My favorite is Mount Atlanticus Minotaur Goff (that's how they spell it--isn't that crazy?!):


It's got everything: dinosaurs, mythology, water, fire, earth, bridges, thatched huts and shrubbery.

Some views.

This would be our view from the balcony:


This would be our view from the shot glasses*:


*Photos courtesy of my sister. Those shot glasses may very well be hers and are subject to not being in the actual condo.

Would you like some Christ with that?

"The [Myrtle Beach] culture has become so immune to the gospel, that they are unaware that it has the power to change lives and satisfy hearts."

What I gathered from watching this, is that in 2002 hundreds of teenagers with Campus Crusade for Christ infiltrated MB's Old Navy, Chick-Fil-A, Banana Republic and Sunglass Hut franchises (which served as their "mission field") to spread the good word. I had no idea this sort of thing was going on, and I feel really sorry for all the people who had their baked potatoes with sour cream tainted with jesus cooties.